Saturday, June 2, 2012

Rut, or funk, or..... whatever.

Well...... I don't quite know what is wrong with me.  And I can't really describe it.  There's been quite a bit of self-inadequacy feeling lately.  I want to do it all.  I want to grow up.  I want to be a ballet dancer.  I want to be an opera singer.  I want to be a Broadway star- and maybe even a movie actress (Yes, I actually practice talk-show interviews and acceptance speeches from time to time).  More than anything I want to be the cutest, most fun/creative/loving/educating, best mom in the world.  I want to be blogging/crafting force of nature.  I want more and more babies, but I can't decide what I want the timing to be.  I want to travel and see and experience so many enchantments of this world.  I want to help people.  I want to be an example of My Savior.  I want to be a world-famous baker.  But I'm not any of it.  Not even close.  At all.  The problem is I'm just so..... incompetent.  I have so many loves and have so many passions.  But all I have is a huge mish-mash of semi-talents and a complete lack of drive or ambition.  I'm just okay at everything, and I never put in the time or energy to be better and then get mad that I'm not.  I sometimes (a lot of times) get frustrated that I never finished school, or at least really tried to excel at music or dance when I had the time.  I don't regret starting to have babies when I did.  I don't believe in regret- to me that means that you're not happy and don't appreciate what you have.  I am happy and I do appreciate what I have- I really couldn't love anything more than my unique little family- I just deplore what I am and wish that I was better.  For myself, for my family, for my friends.  I want to show my children all the wonders and knowledge in this world.  I go to bed with all of these plans of the fun, good things I'll do with my kids the next day to help them grow and learn.  And then I get up.  I let Moses put in whatever movie he's throwing a fit about, I let them eat cereal without eating their fruit first, and I sit on the computer or putter around for awhile until we're forced to go out, when I hurriedly and stressed-outly attempt to get us ready and presentable for the world outside, usually snapping unnecessarily at the kids out of frustration and lateness.  Then I go do something somewhat fulfilling/productive and then I let the kids play at my mom's while I sit and talk for forever while constantly batting my children's hands and pleas away so I can actually be a part of the conversation.  So.... pretty much as Tina Fey proclaimed in Bossy Pants:  "I'm the worst."  I really am "the worst."  I am happy, and I truly get so much JOY from my babies, my husband, my family, my friends.  But I am just sooooo frustrated with myself.  I want to be more, I want to be better.  I sit on Pinterest, and I make countless lists but the actual carrying-out of any of it rarely happens.  I want to be better, but I'm not taking any real steps towards better, and I can't really figure out how to get myself started so I can get there.  I'm definitely in a rut, or funk, or..... whatever.

At least I've got all of these to make me feel better.

1 comment:

Danielle and Chad Selander said...

i just love you! and i know exactly what you mean about all of it:)