love.

I. Love. Him. Have I ever mentioned that before??? It's just amazing to me that after being with Drew for 6 years that he can kiss me and I still get butterflies in my stomach. I remember our first date, when he took me to Singers and Songwriters at BYUI and he brought index cards and pens for us to rate each performer. Then we got ice cream at Dairy Queen. No kissing though- it took Drew A WHILE to do that. It actually took him A WHILE just to hold my hand. We were watching the Keira Knightley "Pride and Prejudice" at the dollar theatre with Sarah, Maria and their dates- they all were watching us the whole time and silently cheered when it finally happend. Seeing that he was 25 and that I was his first girlfriend though, I guess it's understandable. I remember asking him after we were engaged "Why haven't you ever had a girlfriend before??" and he replied, "There was never anyone I wanted to date until I met you." I mean, could he be any cuter/better??? Nope. That first time we bumped into each other between classes on campus in my first week back at school and bonded for a few minutes over Project Runway was fate. I would take that route EVERY DAY in hopes of running into him, even after he switched classes mid-semester and wasn't there anymore. And our wedding day. I remember being sooooooo happy at the Temple. It was such an..... incredible feeling to look at Drew and hear the words being said and knowing that we'd be together forever. I remember hugging my daddy after walking out of the sealing room and just crying- it's a very sad and exciting and scary and sentimental and overwhelming and happy feeling to give your dad that "good-bye" hug as his responsibility for you is transferred to your new husband. It's so conflicting and weird and there's such a sense of the unknown and leaving behind what you've had your whole life and embarking on a new and wonderful adventure. I remember my cheeks in soooo much pain at the reception from smiling too much- for pictures, for guests, and for pure joy. I remember collapsing next to my sweet grandpa at 10 (it was supposed to end at 9) and my sweet sisters and friends brought me a huge plate of pesto and some cake. Drew carried me out to our car (which looked horrible- condom balloons- our brothers are classy) and my cousin threw a handful of rose petals directly in my face. I remember going to our hotel room that Drew had snuck off to earlier in the day and put rose petals and candles everywhere. Five years later and he still is by far the handsomest man I've ever seen. My heart still beats faster when I get a text from him or when he kisses me. He still makes me laugh all. the. time. We have two gorgeous, darling children that are my everything. I. Love. Him.

Cured.

A week ago I had a recital. It was wooooonderful. I loved every second of performing. I can't help it, it's in my blood and my soul. I just don't think there's a better way to communicate and express yourself and bring yourself and others to another level spiritually than through music and dance. I remember when I wasn't singing or dancing for awhile whilst at BYU and while having babies; I'd hear opera just at a restaurant or on the radio, or I'd watch a ballet and I would literally get an aching in my heart. A very intense longing and pain that there was this world of beauty, of music and art and everything wonderful and lovely and I wasn't a part of it. I sometimes even cried it hurt so bad. Now that I'm singing, dancing and performing again I feel more whole, and I gotta say- it feels pretty great.

Thanks to Zach, Muriel, Ed, and Claudia for making it possible- I love you all and what you do. :)

A conversation with Valentine...

So, Miss Valentine is one of the most darling little things, and says some of the funniest things. We have been having a lot of fun lately with our little three year old, with her refusing to poop in the toilet STILL, and her insisting on always picking out her own clothes (much to my amusement or chagrin, depending on the outfit and my mood) and her talking INCESSANTLY in the car. Seriously, every car ride the past week or two, she does not stop. And it's always some kind of conversation too that requires me to participate, which is fine, I looove talking to her, but there are some times that we're late and I'm stressed, or I just like my little quiet time while driving, or I'm really into the song I'm singing along to, and I'll ask her to please just STOP TALKING FOR A MINUTE PLEASE. I LOVE YOU, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE PLEASE. Am I such a mean mother? Whatever. Anyways, it is mainly very amusing and I 90... ish percent of the time really enjoy our goofy little chats and the nutty/cute things that come out of my nutty/cute daughter's mouth. For example:

While driving by a church.....

V: "Um, Mama, I want Jesus? I want to see Jesus in Heaven."

Me: "Aw, sweetie, that is so great, I want to see Him too, but we can't go see Him in Heaven today."

V: "Please Mama?? I want to."

Me: "I know Tiny, we really want to be with Jesus in Heaven, but it's not going to be for awhile."

V: "Not for awhile?"

Me: "Yeah, we will someday, but first you have to go to school and college, and get married and have babies of your own and have grand-babies and go on a mission and do lots of amazing things. When you're an old lady you can go see Jesus in Heaven, but not today."

V: "Oh...... old lady? Go to school? And go poo-poo in the potty?"

Me: "YES. Yes. You definitely have to learn to go poo-poo in the potty before you can go to Jesus in Heaven."

Another day:

V: "Um, Mama? I wanna go poo-poo in my princess potty."

Me: "You do???!!!"

V: "Yeah, go poo-poo in da potty and get pink bike, and ice cream, and barbie, and princess dress, and make cookies and pancakes!" (we have pretty much promised her the moon if she'll just use the damn potty.)

Me: "Wow! That is so much fun, yes, we will, we will get all of that if you go in the potty!"

V: "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!"

Me: "It is a great idea!"

V: "YEAH!!!"

Me: "Okay, so are you going to go potty when we get to Grandma's?"

V: "Um, no.... tomorrow Mama. Tomorrow."

She's been saying "uuum.... tomorrow, I'll go in the potty tomorrow," for at least a week now.

Whatever.

Some Late Holiday Pictures

Valentine has a new found love of lotion- and putting it in her and Moses' hair. She looks like Edward Scissorhands. And Moses looks like.... Mr. Clean.

A letter to my son

My Dearest Dearest Moses:

I love you sooooo much. Sooooo much. But tonight you threw up on me for probably the 1000th time. I'm not exaggerating, I don't think any sweet baby has ever thrown up on their mother as much as you have on me in these wonderful past 15 months. You are the cutest little thing ever, but you have been pushing my buttons like crazy ALL DAY, you have gotten sooo much snot all over me, you have sucked on me (I feel like the nursing will never end) and thrown up on me (hot dogs, in case you wanted to know, you threw up hot dogs on me) and I just started my period, ergo: I let you cry yourself to sleep tonight. I never quite had the heart/determination to do it with Valentine- I mean I tried, but after an hour or more of her either hysterically crying and screaming or contentedly talking to herself I realized it just wasn't going to happen. But you are a champ. You cried in your crib for 10 maybe 15 minutes and then you were sleeping, like the lovely big baby you are. See, you actually get tired and want to sleep, and that never happens with Valentine. I'm sorry to do that to you, but it had to be done, cause I didn't have any other options that wouldn't have involved me losing my brain. Thank you for going to sleep by yourself and also for having my most favorite laugh I've ever heard. You are the cutest and I love you so so much Little Man.

Love,

Ma

P.S. Um, if you do throw up on me one more time I might have to...... I don't know what, but something very drastic that's for sure. I love you.

Wow.

Wow. I can't believe it's already been a year since last year.... does that make sense? I'm promising myself to update this more and I always feel so bad for not doing it, or writing in a journal ever for that matter, but I sometimes just don't know what to say. I've especially been in a bit of a funk the past week or two. I cannot bring myself to do anything productive. I want to stay in my warm bed all day and not have to worry about food, or going anywhere, or cleaning my apartment for the FIVE THOUSANDTH time, cause for some reason I cannot stay on top of it. I don't know, I'm not sad at all or anything.... I just don't want to do anything..... So it's a good thing that starting this week the pace is going to pick up a bit whether I want it to or not. Rehearsals for "Bye Bye Birdie" start this week (I'm the lead- did I mention that?! Just a little excited/intimidated/excited). Plus I have my recital coming up, so I have all my lessons and have to practice my butt of. Valentine is back in school and dance, Drew is at work all the time again and Moses is busier and more to maintain than ever. I guess I just really got lazy with the holidays and kind of loved it and basked in it and am lagging with getting back to reality. It'll be good for me and I'm actually quite excited about everything that's happening.... I guess maybe I'll just need to eat a lot of oreos or drink a lot of coke to get me through it all.....

Moses the Destroyer!

(the title was said in like an angry man voice, like for WWE... just making sure you all got that). Anyways. Yes. Moses is the destroyer of EVERYTHING. I mean, Valentine was into everything when she was his age, but Moses REALLY gets into EVERYTHING. And then he DESTROYS it. I just got my mom mixing bowls for her birthday because in the last two week Moses broke two from her favorite set. He gets into the cupboard and then just chucks those bowls as hard as he can (which is very hard- he is quite the bruiser) onto the hardwood floor. Valentine could totally manage an ipod or iphone by his age, but Moses can't because whenever he touches one, it is either in his mouth and covered with drool or on the floor dented with the back and battery scattered a few feet away. The books on my bookshelf are CONSTANTLY not on the bookshelf. The dvds are always stewn throughout the apartment. I've given up on my poor poor formerly-cute Christmas tree. The top half looks so great- the bottom half? No man's land. I was always fixing it up at night when the kids were sleeping, only to have it massacred within minutes the next morning, so I've given up and it looks like a hot mess. Oh. And the hitting. That baby boy has HUGE hands. And BEEFY arms. He gets maaaad and throws little tantrums and hits haaard. Oh. And the nursing. I'm one of the biggest nursing advocates you'll find, but little man is 14 months with seven teeth and still wants to nurse several times a day and I'm OVER it and he ISN'T. He is constantly pulling at my shirt and throwing fits when he is denied. But man oh man, is that a DARLING little boy. I mean darling. He has the most kissable face I have ever encountered. I'm pretty sure I tell him at least 10 times a day "Moses, you are so cute!" And he always very coyly smiles back- what a little flirt- watch out girls. He still has the best laugh and we are treated to it veeery often. He's starting to talk- I mean he is constantly babbling- the last few days he's just been non-stop. His best words are "Ada!" (which he calls every dog) "No!" (his first word, just like Tiny and he says it A TON) and "Mamma!" He also says "Dada" and he tries to say "Gan-ah!" and "Ga-ma!" (grandpa and grandma) and he mutters something odd every time I give him something, and I'm pretty sure it's his version of "thanks." Oh and everything has an exclamation point cause he YELLS everything he says, it's very entertaining. He's also very clever- he and V fight over her little princess chair in the living room ALL the time- so they'll be watching something and Moses will go and turn off the tv- then V gets mad and jumps out of the chair to turn it back on, and Moses runs to the chair and plants himself. Then Valentine sits on him. We have a lot of fun around here. And My Mister Moses sure is a momma's boy and while it gets a bit tiring, I wouldn't have it any other way and love how much he loves me and I love him even more than that. He is a sweet, funny, happy, lovely baby/mini-man/toddler..... and he's also a destroyer. And that's ok. Love him.